July 13, 2026, 8:09 a.m. ET
“I need to talk to you. It’s an emergency.”
If you got this message from one friend, it might be cause for alarm. If you got it from another, it might just be another Tuesday.
For the friends who fall in the latter category, TikTok has a term for them: the “crisis friend.”
There’s a big friendship discussion brewing online about the friends who only reach out when they’re in some sort of crisis. According to TikTokers, you know you’re dealing with a crisis friend when the majority, or maybe even entirety, of your interactions involve supporting them, consoling them or otherwise helping them through yet another crisis.
Some TikTokers have harsh words for so-called “crisis friends.”
“Do not stay friends with the crisis friend,” one TikToker says in a video with over 2 million views. “Those people need to stay in a constant state of crisis, because that is the only way that they are going to benefit from your sympathy.”
According to mental health and friendship experts, the “crisis friend” topic is complex and requires nuance (not something social media’s historically known for). Yes, some toxic friendships certainly are one-sided − and you should take note of them and evaluate on if this is a relationship worth keeping. But there also comes a time in every friendship when someone does have a genuine crisis and needs support.
Knowing that difference − between a crisis friend and a friend in crisis − is key to being, well, a good friend.
“(A) crisis friend is basically somebody who is feeling like they are in crisis all the time and only reaching out to their friends when they are in crisis,” Shasta Nelson, a social relationships expert and the author of “The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of Our Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time,” says. “And then there’s also, in many of the cases, what I would call a ‘crisis season.’ And I would want to separate those two out, because we all go through crisis seasons and have terrible things happen and have loss and grief.”
Are they a ‘crisis friend’ or a friend in crisis?
Most people probably know what it’s like to have a friend who seems to live in perpetual crisis. If you’re a good listener and empathetic, you’re probably more likely to have friends come to you with their problems.
“It might be that you are really good at being an active listener and you care and you have empathy,” psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis says. “Where it gets to the point where it may be draining you is when you feel like they only call you when it’s crisis.”
Nelson says healthy friendships rely on reciprocity − both parties support each other through tough times and equally share their wins and their hardships with each other.
But a temporary imbalance in this reciprocity, she adds, isn’t bad. In fact, in every long-term friendship, it’s to be expected. The key is to view these periods of imbalance in the context of the entire friendship.
“I can measure the health of any relationship between two people when we can basically look at the relational bank account, if you will,” Nelson says. “One of the things that’s really important is, if you have a friendship that has been making enough deposits, so to speak, then you can handle that season of withdrawals, because the ratio is in check and you’re not in debt.”
Something else that’s important to consider about “crisis friends” is that people have less friends in general. Amid a loneliness epidemic, Nelson says, people simply have less loved ones to turn to when they are in crisis, and, as a result, the few friends they do have may get frequently turned to for support.
“We are dealing with a culture that is trending lonely, and most of us are expecting from a couple of friends what we used to expect from that village,” she says.
Have a crisis friend? Here’s what to do
But, if you are struggling with a crisis friend or worry you may be a crisis friend, here are some expert tips:
- Ask for reciprocity: “We do this in our romantic relationships,” Nelson says. “If we are feeling overwhelmed with chores, for example, we have an expectation that we would say to our partner, ‘I feel like I’ve got way too much going on and I need help.’ And we would have that conversation, and we would negotiate back and forth and try to find that place where we both feel like it’s doable. And so we can practice doing a little bit more of that with our friends.”
- Thank your friends for their support: “Even in crisis, we can say thank you,” Nelson says. “We can show curiosity to the other person. We can find ways to still love them.”
- Reframe the conversations away from crisis: “Try to change the focus,” Sarkis says. “Ask the person to do something, invite them out for coffee. See if you want to spend time with them.”
- Don’t expect friends to be perfect: “I hear a lot of people say, ‘I don’t do drama,'” Nelson says. “We don’t need to go looking for drama, but there’s no such thing as a meaningful, safe, close friendship that hasn’t had some disappointment, some unmet expectations, some history. And we all have drama in our lives.”
